Love, Life, Dreams, Whatever

I just got through talking to Marc.
He read my blog. Started asking questions. Wanted to know why he is only talked about in dreams and why he is always yelling at me.
I don't know.
OK, yes I know. I have this habit of picking one person that annoys me and placing them in the antagonist's role when I dream. People get upset by this, I don't see why- it still means I think about you. It used to be a friend of mine that always took that role, then for awhile it was a friend of hers.
That was really weird. I was annoyed that he would pop up in all my dreams just to annoy me. :) That doesn't mean I was mad at him, it doesn't mean that I didn't like him. I do like him, I just find that guy incredibly annoying, he doesn't ever seem to SAY anything, and when he does I get the feeling that he only spoke in order to let people know that he was thinking something, but not WHAT he was thinking. If that makes any sense to you, then I may have to start worrying about you a little bit. Ok to word this differently- He always seemed like this really deep guy, but he almost never seemed to say anything deep or even speak his mind at all. I sometimes would try to antagonize him a little, just enough to make him say something, anything. Hardly ever worked though- I got him really worked up by saying that I didn't believe in tarot at all, but he didn't give me much at all even on that.
I guess I should get back to the point- sigh- OK, my dreams are a big part of this blog, mostly because they are what I already have typed out, those and stories. So, that is why whoever is mentioned is most likely mentioned in dreams.
Marc said that I focus too much on dreams. No I don't, dork. :)
He was upset that I deleted this one post that was about him and had nothing to do with dreams. Hey, I can delete whatever I wanna- my blog :) he he- but naw, really it's just that I didn't think it really reflected my feelings quite right.
Then we started talking about the guy I date. And I told him "I think that the whole time we dated he was under the impression that I have just been hurt really badly and was guarded against opening up to another person. " He asked if that's the way I feel. I said "I don't know, not really, there was this one guy that I totally put up this wall against, he still hurt me though."
Then he all wanted to know if it was him. Shesh, self centered much? J/K
I don't know, maybe I'll talk about that another time. Doubt anyone will want to read it though.
Either that or I'll have people emailing me all the time "What happened? Tell me! Tell me!"

Brain Damage

I still say I think I have brain damage. Perhaps that wording is a little too strong, but hear me out on this.
Ok, I fell, hit my head. Then suddenly I'm all kinds of happy. One theory is that after my brush with death I am just so happy to still be alive that I'm ridiculously happy about little things. Yes, that's a possibility, even very likely, for the first few weeks. Glad I only have a scar. Glad I'm still alive and not seriously hurt. Glad my prayers were answered. Shouldn't that have leveled out by now? I mean it's been almost 3 months.
My theory- Hitting my head the way I did, even though it was not a severe injury did "damage" it in some way. There are correlations between depression and minor head injury. I just read something about serotonin dysfunction after head injury and they only seem to know about people that are depressed afterwards, but what if the dysfunction was the opposite? What if an injury can cause some serotonin dysfunction that makes a person giddy? Acts like an anti-depressant? I think it's very possible. Doesn't explain everything else though. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

Huh....

I had a dream last night.
It is all jumbled up now. Something about not being able to find a monkey? I found the rest but the monkey was really hard to find. Then Someone told me Marc was dead.
I didn't beleive it. Thought he was playing some sick joke on me. Kept thinking that he couldn't possibly be dead and kept trying to think of some way to prove that he was just fuqin' with me.
My shoulder hurts, glad I'm right handed, this is making it hard for me to type.

Blargh

OK, I just went to pick up my prescriptions. They could only fill the one for Ambien, they didn't have the other one. They have to order it and it won't be in until tomorrow. I have a headache NOW, I need it NOW.
I mean really.
They should totally be able to anticipate MY needs. They should sense like two days in advance that I will be needing that particular thing even if I never had it filled there before they should totally go "Hey, I bet there's going to be some weird chick coming in here in the next couple of days wanting this, so we should like totally order some." Right?
But, oh well, I can do without it for one more day. It's not like I even know that it will work, so I'm not all depending on it or anything. Still don't like that I have to go back there tomorrow though.
But then again I do have to go in that general direction, I just found out that my library books are way over due- I should stop borrowing from the library when I already have books from them. I have like ten books due now, one due next week sometime, 2 due a few days after that, one that I just picked up last week and one that I requested just arrived and I haven't picked it up yet.

Doctor

I went to the doctor today. He gave me a referral to a neurologist, a prescription for tylenol, and a prescription for a sleep aid. He thinks the headaches might be "clusters", but has not yet seen the MRIs. He said that if it gets severe that I should go to the ER and they might want to do another MRI there. He also said that if I don't want to go to the ER I could come back in to the office and get an injection when I have a bad headache, I've never heard of that before, but I looked up "clusters" and I guess there are several ways to administer the medication he was talking about.
I feel a little better now, I mean he knows my family history, and he didn't think there was any problem. So that's good.
Hopefully the headaches will go away like they did before, and I will stop worrying so much. I'm not really this hypochondriac freak that always thinks there is something wrong. I swear it.
See comments for *Sigh* http://anagrohm.blogspot.com/2004/08/sigh.html#comments

A Little Story

There once was a girl, she could see the truth of things if it was already known. This was a gift from God, for her to know even if she didn't know she knew. When she was still a small child she believed all that was told to her, but if there was a lie or untruth in what was told her she felt confusion and asked questions, the person who tried to lie would then admit they either didn't know what they were talking about or they were lying. She eventually grew to understand the meaning of the confusion, that there was untruth in what was said. She realized most people did lie, they altered the truth in order to hide their feelings, hide their ignorance, hide their faults. She came to accept this to a point, because some did not seem to know they weren't telling the truth. The people she became closest to benefited from her presence, they started to realize when they didn't know the truth and looked to her to guide their words, sometimes she would have to be almost touching them to be able to reveal the truth to them. Other times she could do this over great distances, even the phone, if the truth was not a TRUTH. If it was TRUTH it worked a little different. She had given up on finding anyone that knew real TRUTH, she figured she would have to wait until the next life. Then she met this man. The man was a beautiful spirit, a spiritual man, he knew TRUTH, but he did not know everything that he knew. She could feel the TRUTH trying to be heard, even over mundane conversations ("How about this weather?"). The TRUTH called out to her, she wanted to know, not for herself, for she would forget it once it was OUT, once the world was let in on it, it would no longer call to her. SHe wanted the TRUTH for the world and for this MAN, this man who knew so much and yet could not even express it all in his own mind, there was too much information for him there, too much for him to be able to tell those he needed to tell. She was meant to help him. To be his interpreter, his muse, his channel. In order to help him let the TRUTH out she had to be touching him. They would sit together, holding each other while he talked. He would talk endlessly, all about truth and the TRUTH. He talked and she asked questions, touching the entire time. She would give him a signal and he would stop. If it was especially strong TRUTH, hard to put into words, she would "drift" she would not focus on finding the words for it, because they would come to her more easily if she didn't push. She just drifted and relaxed and let her thoughts flow. Eventually they came to her, it would sometimes take seconds, sometimes minutes, sometimes not at all. When it didn't come it was always because it wasn't time for that TRUTH yet, There was a missing piece of TRUTH that had to be told first. Eventually they had told all about the TRUTH of things except for the most secret of secrets, the most sacred TRUTHS. They lived and loved and taught and together were thought of as a holy couple.

Write Right

I read your words,
I see you write,
I see you remember,
I feel your pain,
your confusion,
your hurt,
your desire
your love
your emotions.
I see what you saw
I see what you wish
I see, see?
I get it all,
if you tell it write
What I don't see
is why'd you say
things were this way
when that's not quite right.
Poetic license?
Poetic license instead of truth?
WHy not tell it like it was?
It was beautiful to begin with
WHy say it didn't hurt
when in truth
you pushed it down
pushed it away
and pretended all was fine?
Why sAY
it was night
when it was day?
Why should I care?
I don't know
why I see
why I feel
WHen you speak TRUTH
I see TRUTH
when you embellish, I see naught.


I know I shouldn't mess with creative genius, if you feel you must write a certain way, do so, but if you write the way you do because someone tells you that it will be better recieved by mass audience if you change your style, your words, your essence, then you are denying yourself, your words. This is for some of the best writers I have read/known, I can not tell you a thing about their words, but the images and the emotions they conveyed and the truth they imparted was brilliant, whether they were recognized by the world or not.

Last Night

Last night was the worst. Ok, not really THE worst, but it wasn't good.
Even though I had taken a nap my headache didn't go away. There was no ibuprophen or aspirin or anything in the house. I had left mine in Christy's van and my grandparents were out of theirs. I couldn't take anything for it. My grandfather offered to let me take some of his prescription but after the last time I don't think that would be a good idea. So I was stuck with this worsening headache. I was so tired, the worse it got the more tired I became. I went back to bed around 11 pm, I couldn't sleep. I got up 2 or 3 times before finally going to sleep around 2 am. I kept waking up. My fingers swelled and my frog ring started hurting at one point and I woke up to take it off, then I kept thinking I heard the phone ring and waking up for that, but it was still the middle of the night and the phones weren't working so as soon as I woke up I was like "Duh, it's in the dream.", and went back to sleep. I kept having weird dreams too. I had one where my nephews were getting weighed on a scale, then when I woke up I found out it wasn't my nephews, it was my cousins- they were down here (they live a block away) and my grandpa was letting them play on the bathroom scales.
This isn't that weird yet. Ok, while I was trying to sleep I kept having this floating sensation. Like my mind was literally drifting. I had these weird dreams while still technically awake. I don't quite remember them now, (I rarely remember dreams if I get to sleep afterwards) but they were weird. Several had to do with Michael, in one he was mad at me, I mean really MAD. In another dream he was hurting for some reason and needed me, and was trying to reach out psychically to let me know he needed me. In the other 1 or 2 dreams he was just there. Other times/dreams were mainly just images, mostly artistic photography type of images, and a feeling that there was someone there talking but not to me, and a feeling that something else some other story was going on that had nothing to do with me. Like there really was an actually dream going on, but it wasn't my dream.
Hmmm....I don't know that this post makes sense at all. I don't know if I did justice to what I'm trying to convey, but this was a pretty good try anyway.

nightmare

A while back I had this horrible dream.
Marc had come over to the house while I was asleep and started taking furniture and other things. My cousin woke me up to tell me he was here and asked if I said he could take things. I said "No." I knew he was taking them for Geoffrey, he needed a bed and a dresser and so forth for our son. But I was mad none the less and told him "You can't just come over here and start taking things, if you need anything I will gladly give it to you, but this is stealing." He was mad and we argued a little, then I was like "I don't really care what you take, so long as it is for Geoffrey." And asked to see him. Marc continued to take stuff out of the basement and then for some reason ( I forgot to write the dream down, so I don't remember it all ) he got really mad, and pointed a gun at me. The first shot went through the ceiling. I didn't think he would actually shoot me, I remember thinking he was just ticked off and trying to prove a point or something. But then he shot me right in the chest, I think it was kind of on the left side of my chest. Then I woke up and the right side of my chest hurt really bad.

Precognitive dreams

Oh oh oh ... Speaking of dreams that come true (check comments for Headaches and dreams), I dated this guy last year, he swore up and down that the month before we met he had had a dream about getting married, TO ME! I was like "Hon, that's not happening." But he kept trying to make his dream come true anyway- sorry not gonna marry a bigotted person.
But, a few months before I met him (headaches were bad) I had this dream that I was in Chicago at some fair with Angie (older sis). We were walking all around looking at different things. Then we went our seperate ways for a bit and I met this guy. He was a bit taller than me, dark hair, almost too slim. I liked him for some reason, and he really liked me, we started kissing. Then he said he was in love with me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I thought it was silly, he didn't even know who I was, but he wouldn't drop it. So I agreed that I would think about it and he could be my boyfriend for the day. Then I went to look around again in the different shops and met up with Ang again. We were talking about something and I think we were eating lunch, and this guy comes up again. He starts talking about how WE love each other and are going to get married. Angie is like "WHAT?!" and looks at me all weird. I told her that he was just some guy I just met and he seems to think we are getting married but I had never heard any such thing. I told her this right in front of him. He still seemed to think we were getting married, that I was playing coy or something. Angie and I start walking away from him like he doesn't exist and he follows us. As we are walking I tell her that I guess it couldn't do any harm for him to think that way. She tells me she's not so sure it's harmless and is afraid he will get violent.
Then I met David, the guy that wouldn't stop proposing, and he looked somewhat like the guy in my dream. He never got violent though. Just still keeps calling every couple of months or so.

more pics

No, it's not a cult!



My cousin and I years ago (pre-kids).



My nephews Connor, Matt, and Josh.



Caitlyn and her Barbie doll.



Geoffrey smelling a tulip.

pics

My little sissy.



My parents (mom was preg w/ Ang) .



Mom a couple of years ago.



Christmas morning.



My nephew Mathew.

Egomania :)

Marc dream

I just woke from a dream.
It was about Marc.
Yes I had another headache. My head hurt a little more that it has been, and then I started feeling really tired. I took a 2 hour nap.
I don't quite remember how the drem started but at some point Marc showed up. He was testing me. He wanted to go to the store. The spot he picked to park in was almost the furthest one from the store. I wondered why, but didn't care. Then he got out of the car, started walking weird, falling around all over tthe place like someone experiencing an earthquake or something. I wondered what on earth he was doing, I saw the expression on his face, he was testing me and making fun of me at the same time, but I don't know how. I got out of the car, and said "come on this isn't funny, let's go." He got into the car, Geoffrey was there, he was a baby again, I was holding him in my lap. Marc started to drive, I wanted to put Geoffrey in his car seat, it wasn't safe for me to hold him, but Marc wouldn't let me. We got into an arguement. He stopped the car, I put Geoffrey in his car seat then I got out of the car and started walking. Marc was stuck in traffic so he coouldn't catch up with me, so I yelled back to him as loud as possible "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? TELL ME WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE AND I'LL TRY! JUST LET ME KNOW WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE! Who do you want me to be?" and turned around to walk again thinking he wasn't going to answer. He didn't know who he wanted me to be. He asked Angie who he should have me be, "An over-educated- achiever, who's over- ...." I stopped listening. I walked along, head hung down, hoping he wouldn't catch up with me and knowing he wouldn't even know where to look

Rupert

I used to have a kitty named Rupert, we raised him from a kitten. He was mainly my dad's cat until I got an apartment that allowed pets. He was the sweetest kitty, but he left, he got outside and probly couldn't get back into the building. I miss him. I wish I could get another cat but can't have one where I live now.







Isn't he a cutie?

Scanner

Yay! I got my scanner working!



This is a bridge, duh :)




This image doesn't do the pic justice, scanner settings must be off.




I had to throw in another swirly pic :)

Headaches and dreams

I haven't had really bad headaches for a couple of days now. I also have not had the dreams about faceless voices. I wonder if they are connected. The first time I ever had that kind of dream was when I first started having these headaches ( a year and a half ago ), and I didn't have them for over a year, nor did I have the headaches.
It'd be totally fine with me if all my vivid dreams were to go away along with the headaches. Most of the dreams I will post here I had during headaches. Yes, my head still hurts while I am asleep, I go to sleep with them, I wake up with them, and sometimes they are in my dream. So I say DURING a headache.

Dream5

I have dreams like this often, though it's always different.
I am just thinking, then I hear someone talking, but there is no one there, I don't quite catch what they say, I only catch bits and pieces at first especially.
Then they seem to answer my thoughts. I have this feeling that whatever it is they say I should at least listen, even though I don't know who they are.
There are at least three of them, it's dark, but I know even if I could see something I wouldn't see them.
The main females voice is the loudest, the man seems to think they are intruding, and the other female voice is so distant I barely make out a thing.
The messages they impart are always different, and sometimes they don't really seem to pass on much.
Last night however was different, I could hear them a little, and didn't think anything of it, they are talking to each other, then the strongest female says "I'll just elevate her." Then it gets a little strange, my heart races, I feel odd, their voices are stronger. My head hurts, and I want the pain to stop, She is incensed,"I think the pain should be worth it for the power." She goes on for a bit but I don't remember, because I was thinking "What power?" And when I started thinking sometimes they got jumbled or faded to where I couldn't hear them. Then they all seemed to be trying to communicate telepathically (it always is but-) on a purely subconscious level- I did get any images or words from them, but felt they were none the less passing something to me and I them. Then I am just there in the darkness, they say nothing to me for a little while, I start to let my mind wander, I think about Michael, and wonder about him, then they are trying to tell me something about him, I don't know if it's good or bad but it is necessary.
The night before last when the dream came they talked amongst themselves mostly, and then it was the male voice that was clearest, he said they should just leave me alone for the night. Then there wasn't really anything else from them.
They aren't in all of my dreams that have no images, but more often than not if they are there it's my first dream of the night, when they aren't there it's usually my last dream before awakening. It worries my to a point. If it's my dream why can't I hear everything that's going on? Why can't I control anything? Why are there no images?


I read that dreams about voices where you can't see who's talking mean that your innner self is trying to tell you something important. Also I read that so people take this kind of dream as a connection to the spirit world, as if the voices are spirits.

Dream4

I was talking, I don't know who to, an older man I think. I started talking to someone else, and things seemed to move in an odd way. I looked at my hands and saw that my nails were the way they used to be a couple of months ago, for a couple of days, (Not really me, my sister's nails looked just like that though a couple of times, mine were never like that.) they were all short, and ragged, from having had fake nails on them, and they had most of the fake nails removed, except a little bit of the tip of one and about half of another, both on my right hand. Then I was sad that I had to have those nails again. I started talking some more, and then my nails regressed further, They were healthy again, most were still short, and a couple were quite long, (I've had my nails this way before) but I noticed one was longer than all the rest, and kind of silvery opalescent, the texture intrigued me so I put it into my mouth, not to bite it, just to feel it, and it was very smooth, soft, and even though there was no polish it felt slick like a polished nail, it had been buffed with pride, again I don't think this is quite right, but I kind of am enamored of this nail and these hands, again, my hands change, and I am wearing so many rings on my fingers...it's gaudy, 2 and 3 rings for every finger on my left, I recognize most, I think "the rest are ones I've forgotten". On my right hand there are so many rings, I am wearing twice as many as the left, at first I only focused on them and did not pay attention to the fact that something wasn't right there either- the rings weren't on my fingers, they were permanent now, they were at the base of where my finger bones start, right above my wrists there are five stacks of rings, and sometimes five to a stack, and on my fingers which are smaller because of the other rings taking up so much room, I have more rings. I forget about hands I look around me and start to interact more with the people and objects in the dream "We" were living in someone else's house, my family (mom, dad, aunt uncle,grandma,siblings..)and I. And THEY were only two, they liked to appear generous, but they stole my picante sauce, it was Pace brand, and that's the best- how dare they take that and then think that I can't use theirs? And other things disappeared from our refrigerator and appeared in theirs, so I went to their fridge, I was hungry, mainly I wanted my picante sauce, I saw my frozen dinners in their freezer, I knew they now considered them theirs, and to tick them off I was going to eat one of them, but I couldn't decide on one, they all looked so yummy, I wanted the alfredo because it's creamy and cheesy, and I wasn't sure, but I thought there was chicken in it ( love you Michael), then I noticed while I stood there on the chair looking into the freezer that I shouldn't need a chair to see, wasn't I just standing on the floor? NO, I couldn't have been, I had to be standing on the chair the whole time, but I wasn't THAT small, I couldn't be, maybe the fridge was really big, no- it wasn't when I saw it from the doorway, hmmm... that's weird, I'll have to think about that later, right now I'm hungry. I get disinterested in the refrigerator, and start to leave, "stupid people think they own us cause we live here, think they are so great". start to think of how they are not, then the scene changes and I am thinking of how time seemed to be moving backwards...I thought "so it is true that eventually time will stop, move back and start again." "Oh shoot, I need to mark the day, so I can tell everyone else, I need to mark the day so I don't plan for the future past that point and enjoy when it gets close." I am already going backwards, but still close enough to peek at the day, I look at the last day and I know it is August 2? (twenty something) 2004, and then relax. "this is cool, hey wait, did I get the year wrong? maybe I only thought it was...", but time was slipping and I WAS in the middle of it... Oh well, no matter....slipping..slipping through time... huh, now everyone EVERYONE is on a boat(no it is bigger than a boat), and everyone must jump off, and try to land where they want to be, where they want to go, The lower deck is full of people that look my size, human size, the upper deck is full of people that are very small, most of them glowed blue, they seemed to be doctors/nurses/helpers I thought of them as health care professionals but they didn't all have that job, some were just normal humans that glowed blue, they seemed more distant than the others, and some didn't glow. The boat got to where I was supposed to jump, or where he wanted me to jump, and close to where I wanted and God wanted me to jump, I wanted to stay a little longer to watch the beautiful blue people jump, it was funny and beautiful and they were almost all gone, couldn't I just stay a few more seconds? it's so pretty, please? Sigh, ok they are almost all done now, I guess I can go, don't try to take me with you though, you know that's not where I belong, falling, distracted by the beauty of the little blue people in the water, they had parachutes, I didn't know what these were for, there wasn't time for them to open them, they didn't try to open them, they were like the plastic ones that come attached to little plastic sky jumping guys, (I don't know what they are called, you take the rubber band off and throw them in the air, then they glide back down..) I thought the parachutes were silly but they would know better why they needed them. I fall, I don't know where... We are still slipping through time...why? I thought it was supposed to stop now?? We are on a river, there are bad men. We must stay hidden, even if we are seen, so long as it is hard for them to find us, time will slip before they get here.. so we are ok, time goes normally again, I still think about the men- are they here? He says not to fear, they are gone and now that time is normal the ones that are left wouldn't bother us anyway. We walk upriver, we see a girl, she is about 12 she is bathing in the river, she wears a boy's clothing, she is done washing now and has a whistle, it's strange, I've never seen anything quite like it, I think it is basically a pan pipe, yet she has devised a way to be able to play without holding on to it- she has a leather strap that keeps it attached to her mouth, she puts it on, it was the only piece of "clothing" she removed to bathe. She starts to play, I want to know what it's like so I (um...I don't know how to describe this- I'll use borrow, I was her for a second, just long enough to know, and understand how it is played and how it feels to play it) I "borrow" her, it was fun playing the flute, I thought she was a genius and was glad she didn't mind sharing for a sec, though I'm not even certain she noticed. We followed her, Her name is Windy, Peter didn't bring her to never land, she was there long before he got there, she was BORN there. My boyfriend started following her, calling after her that she didn't have to dress like a boy, she didn't have to be everyone's mother, he could liberate her, he could give her frilly dresses that make her feel pretty, he could give her freedom, to live like "normal" little girls, (with all convention thrown in), she just happily continues her playing and walking, we come to a door, it is covered with something-something with holes, it is cloth, no it is plastic, no it is cloth, it feels like cloth and that pleases me, the door leads to a big place, in the front there is what reminds me of a warehouse, but it isn't very big, in the back is where all the children are. My guy is incensed that all these children would rely on Windy to be their mother, I keep trying to tell him that we don't know any such thing, just to hang back, relax, and watch it unfold, I don't speak the whole time. He calms a little, starts to realize that I was right. There is a mother there, she is overwhelmed, she has so many children (she didn't know what to do ) so she put an ad in the paper for an early adult/special education specialist, DUH my guy forgot that's why we are here, he answered the ad, and this was his interview. We all sat down at the table, he started going through his references and qualifications, she was asking him questions at the same time, he got flustered, he lost his application, where did it go? I don't know, I'll look here , and think- you look there.. maybe you lost it when we came in... The mother is amused, she tells him he is losing the job as they spoke, he couldn't focus "How do you think you would do with all these children needing your attention?" He finds his papers and they go into the kitchen... I stay, I get down on the floor and start playing with the littlest children, now I see why she needed someone who was good with developmentally disabled children, the youngest were not "normal", they were nice anyway, we played jacks, after I got their attention. The baby was not old enough to speak, yet he perfectly mimics the voice of Robin Williams. It was eerie, at first I didn't know where the sound was coming from, I thought it was the TV, no, a radio? no, one of the other children playing a game with me? no, it was the baby, it sounded like a scratchy slow recording of Robin Williams, an imperfect album.... I thought about this... The dream was over I floated there were people, voices no sight except for colors, something wasn't right there was someone there that had evil intent I woke, feeling like if I hadn't I would have had another dream.

Dream3

I dreamt that I lived in a house, a log cabin, in a clearing, it was near a lake. There were many that lived there with me, some were old, some were young, the one I wanted to be my brother was the most beautiful soul I have ever met.
He was perfect, it didn't matter that others did not understand him or would think him slow. Everyone else understood, the oldest male tried to tell me that he might not make it. I had heard this before, but he seemed stronger now, and I thought he could. I loved him and I knew my time was coming, I needed him to come with me, I needed him to follow me and be there at the same time, if not he would be lost, and I would be sad until we met again because we would not meet in life. I was still afraid, I didn't want to go yet.
We were picking berries (mainly because it was fun) when my white dress developed a spot. I knew it was time for me to go, I was scared though, I wasn't sure what would happen. I tried to hide it, but it grew. I HAD to go to the river. I went and tried to wash it off, the river turned to blood, I was almost swept away. The others, the older, the wiser, they held me in the river, they knew how to make it good, they held my brother there with me, we were side by side, once we started to float they let us go. I reached for his hand so he wouldn't get lost, I wanted, NEEDED for him to make it this time. We floated down the river, he started to slip away, he fell back, I was upset, then reminded myself that he was still on the way, I would get to see him on the other side.
I floated past all these trees, so many trees, the sky was beautiful. I drifted to sleep, when I woke the river had gone dry, it was now no deeper than 1/2 inch. It still flowed in the same direction, I knew it was the same river. I still drifted over the rocks for a little, I was bruised and broken from dragging over these rocks, I felt no physical pain, yet my soul hurt.
I stood up, I looked around, no one had told me what to do when I stopped. Where do I go, there was no going backwards, it just didn't work that way, so I couldn't go back and ask. There was a cabin, a man lived there. He was beautiful. He knew so many things, he wanted to be my husband, I couldn't yet, I had not reached my destination, and there was something about him...I wanted to just be his friend, for us to be nice to each other, but nothing more, he agreed, he was disappointed, but he told me that to finish my journey I would have to go back to the river, I could NOT wait until it flowed again, I had to go to the spot where I left, lay back down in the manner I was taught, and float the way I was shown. I said "Ok".
I went back to the river, instinctively knew where to start again, laid back down, and like on a water slide, pushed myself back and forth a couple of times and glided along, laid back, was worried, but I knew it would all work out.
I know what this dream meant, I know what it was about (to an extent), And I wasn't surprised when I later found out that I was pregnant.I told this to one person, and he thought it had to do with death, I told him "No, it's not about death, it's about life."

Dream2

I dreamt I loved you,
loved you so much it hurt.
I dreamt you hurt me again.
I dreamt I was told my love for you was wrong.

I woke
I dismissed the whole thing
It was "dumb"
I would never feel love for you again
"What is this stupid dream?"

A year passed.

I loved you again/still
Almost 10 years melted away
I let myself feel you again
I opened my heart to you again
You hurt me again

I feel stupid
I feel grateful
God let me in on this before it happened.


Noone told me the love was wrong.
At least not yet...

Dream

I feel my love calling me
across a great distance.
I feel him near me.
I feel his love.
I feel his need.
I almost see his face.
I see his dream.
His ideal becomes mine.
I can almost feel him touching me,
holding me,
caressing me.
He is wise
He is beautiful
He is
He is scary
I wake,
there is no one there.
I feel the pull a little longer,
I feel the love.
I wake up fully.
I wonder - who is he?

Ria

I have a friend named Ria, she has only months, possibly weeks left. I will miss her when she is gone. I have only known her for a short amount of time, but I love her, she's great. She is so funny, so happy every time I see her. It could have something to do with her medication and the fact that she has decided to spend the rest of her days completely sloshed, but still she's sweet. I totally understand why she drinks, I would too in her shoes.
She has cancer, she's been fighting for a long time. She was supposed to go to the doctor this week sometime to get a better idea of how much time to expect. I haven't heard from her since last Friday, I wonder if she's ok. I can't call her, I am so bad about losing phone numbers and I never remember them.
She made me promise not to cry for her, not to worry about her or mourn her death. I told her that I wouldn't, that I would miss her, but that I would know that she is in a better place now. That she will be happy and without pain or suffering, surrounded by happiness in heaven.
Of course I will cry. She will be dead. She will be gone. She is so young, only about 40, but then I do believe in heaven, so I will be happy for her in that sense...

my FAV sites

http://www.ezboard.com/

I have yet to find a forum that I just can't tear myself away from, but still, so many forums in one place, I'm sure I'll find something really interesting there...eventually :)

http://cheats.gamespy.com/

Yes, I cheat. I get almost to the end of a game and get this feeling that I missed something important, so I go look for walk throughs, and cheat codes incase I forgot that one very important item, or whatever.

http://www.islandnet.com/~luree/snail.html

This site is kind of dumb, but it's great that I have one place to look when my sister can't find an address for her current favorite celeb.

http://www.crystalinks.com/proph.html

This one is just interesting, I love to read about prophesies. Wether they were "on the money" or not, people still believed they would come true. I am amazed how many times people predicted it was the end of the world and actually had followers believing the same thing.

http://www.religioustolerance.org/var_rel.htm

This is cool, you can compare religious beliefs from around the world, no not EVERY religion is on the site, but an awful lot of them.

http://www.seds.org/images/

Planets, stars, pretty pictures, ooooooohhh shiney. :)

http://aprilgem.com/log/

She's funny :) I constantly find myself laughing so hard I can't even finish what I was reading. I did ask her permission to post this link. :)

http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Names/Name_Generators/

When I get bored, I look for silly ways to amuse myself. I have so many alternative names now it's ridiculous. ;)

I thought I saw some where that you can have a separate place for links on your blog but I haven't the attention span right now to get into trying to figure that out.

From a dream....

My sweet darling baby
I thought you had left me
Decided not to wait
did you almost give up on me?
I didn't give up on you
not really,
here is always hope
always love for you
In my heart you never left
Yes, I felt it when you slept
retreated
waiting uncertain
you will come back when it is time?
you won't decide to go away?
you won't leave again?
with me you will-be loved
feel love
be happy
accepted
not pressured
just loved
please don't choose another
she won't love you like I
maybe she could change you
make you ordinary
make you "normal"
make you lose that special something
that love and innocence
that happy giddiness
your wonder and your beauty
If that's what you want
I can do that too,
if you choose me you can decide.

Bloggin'

I think I blog funny.
What does my daughter's smile have to do with UPE pics?
What do UPEs have to do with dreams?
What do any of my posts have to do with each other?
The answer: not much, yeah sure some are connected, but only due to the fact that I was banned from a forum and wanted a place to put the stuff I had written while there. I like to be able to read my own stuff, good or bad it's mine, I should be able to get to it, if not for my blog I wouldn't even have access to my own writings, my own dreams, my own rants.
So maybe for now "sOK".
Still, I think I blog funny.

Beautiful dreamer

My love for you is endless
timeless
I think I've always loved you
always felt you
or was that you?
did you send me those dreams?
dreams of castles and knights
of princes and comfort
where I am your princess
your love
your all?
did you send me those dreams
about mountains and joy
trees and love
children and happiness
of endless timeless perfect love
full of all good things?
You speak to me without words,
without speech,
you reach out for me across the distances,
I do it too..
I miss dreaming those dreams,
do it again.
please do it again
It's been so long
I miss them
I miss you
I know you love me
I love you too.

Inherited smile

My daughter is so cute. She is 10. She has the cutest facial expressions. I always wondered where she got them from, until I started using my web cam. I guess I never paid much attention to my expressions in a mirror or anything. The other day I was talking to an old friend online and saw my daughter's smile out of the corner of my eye, it was me on the web cam. :)