Why I sigh

Personal junk, things I think are funny, sad stuff, happy stuff, just my life as I see it + lots of dreams. (Disclaimer- Not everything that appears in this blog is 100% accurate.)

Monday, January 31, 2005

Strange Dream

I had a very odd dream recently. I didn't blog it because I had it shortly after my grandpa died. I'm not sure if it was that night or the next night...

I don't remember the whole thing, what I remember is - I was talking to some guy, I'm not sure what it was about, I didn't know the guy, I didn't know his friend though they both reminded me in small ways of people I know, for some reason I looked down at my chest.
I had a splinter in the center of my chest somewhat above my breasts. It was a small splinter and I tried to remove it without having to resort to tweezers. It started coming out, it was a lot larger than I thought. It just kept coming and coming. It was a huge splinter. It had to have been like 2 feet long and it got a lot wider about 1/2 an inch from the top of it. My chest hurt while I was pulling it out and once it was completely out there was this raw ache where it had been. It hurt and I was relieved to have it out yet I thought it might not have been a good idea to have removed it. I was completely focus on this splinter, the guy and his friend kept trying to get my attention but I was focused on the splinter and I think I said something like "Don't you find this odd?" and went back to staring at this huge wooden spike that I had just pulled out of my chest. At one point I was trying to think of what to call it - "splinter" ? I don't think so - more like spike or stake. I got stuck on "stake".... I started thinking it was like a stake and it was in my chest yet it wasn't going through my chest, it was pointed downward, like a splinter, just under the skin... Then I started thinking about the symbolism and blah blah blah and woke myself up by thinking.

***big sigh***

I started crying the other day, I'm not sure why, just some small thing that reminded me of my grandfather. I had finally gotten it down to a sniffle when a church's bells started ringing to "Nearer My God To Thee". I have been to many many churches in my life- Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Pentecostal, just to name a few of the more wide spread denominations-- and the only one I can remember having heard that particular song in was the church my grandparents attended, that and... well... the song itself. I think I would have really lost it if they had played " I'll Fly Away", that was his favorite song, we sang it at his funeral.
Why can I not think about anything else?
Why ?
I live in the house he built. Everywhere I look he's there.
He was always in the middle of some project around the house, most of them went unfinished for months or years because of his health. The main bathroom is only half painted and since he put in the new shower there's about an inch and a half strip of bare floor from one wall to the other where the bath tub used to be. We have hardwood floors and they've needed refinishing for at least 20 years but grandpa never got around to that- he was going to put in carpeting... The doors and trim all over the house need new paint, the plumbing went awry recently and the heating ducts are all dusty and dirty because he forgot to call someone in to clean them. There are so many things that need to be done around the house and I know it would help to get my mind off of loss... Then again- if I were to start fixing things around here I would have to use his tools for most of it and... I want to take this wall paper off my bedroom walls- it's just awful- gaudy horrible flowery wall paper- but grandpa picked it out. Grandpa went to the store and choose this wall paper over all other wall papers and hung it on the walls himself. How can *I* rip it off the walls??? The only thing that keeps me wanting to remove the stuff is the fact that grandpa didn't like it either. I think the reason he left it up is because to take it off and redo the walls would cost money and time - both of which he didn't want to spend on a room he wouldn't have to actually look at. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the paint that was on the walls- except it was pink. Grandpa seemed to have a thing for pink, peach and flowers. It's almost weird that the trim in the living room isn't pink- the walls are flowery though.
Also there are things I can not fix or do anything about unless I were to convince my grandma to call someone in to to fix them. I don't know how to redo floors. I don't know how to clean air ducts. I don't know how to rip up linoleum and put new stuff down. Given the tools and instructions and all I MIGHT be able to do something... I wouldn't have a clue what it would look like afterwards though.
At one point I had almost convinced him that it would be a good idea to insulate the floors to save on heating and cooling bills.
Who is going to paint the outside of the house?
Who is going to shingle the roof?


I need to find out what I need to do to the bathroom before painting. The ceiling in there is stained and there are cracks along the upper trim.
Do I need to clean it somehow? Do I need to spackle? How do you spell spackle? Do I need to fill in the cracks? If so how long do I wait to paint? Should we wait a certain amount of time to bath in there or would the steam not cause any problems with the paint drying? Should I paint the walls at the same time? When I paint the walls do I remove the cabinet above the toilet? There is this textured stuff on three of the walls that ends at the new shower, what do I do about that? Do I try to recreate the texturing or tile the wall above the shower?
I don't know.
I have to figure it out though. Grandma deserves a finished bathroom and there isn't anyone else willing to finish it. Even the front door needs work. I don't know why it needed it, but there's all this filler stuff on the door. Grandpa was going to paint it- he took the door down, sanded it, filled it, sanded again, didn't paint it and put it back on it's hinges.
Now don't start thinking my grandpa was flaky or something- he just had a lot of stuff going on.
People were always calling him for help with whatever they needed. People borrowed tools, food, money, etc. He fixed cars, plumbing, household appliances, etc. for everyone. Not just people in our family, everyone that asked him.
He wasn't just my grandpa he was everyone's grandpa. Some of my friends called him Grandpa, my cousins' friends called him Grandpa, even my second cousins and their kids called him Grandpa when it would be more appropriate to call him "Uncle" - he was "Grandpa" to everyone.

Isn't there something called "Stain Killer" or something like that that gets rid of stains and stuff before you paint?


I asked Grandma if it would be ok to apply for one of those Extreme Makeover Home Edition things and she said "Yeah." , but you have to print the application out and my printer has been on the fritz since Angie's kids printed out like 20 pages of game codes. I can't get the thing to work now and for some reason it shows two printers and it says I am using black ink- the ink cartridge is color. I don't have a clue how to fix this.

As you may have guessed I am on a "fix-it" bender. I wanna fix everything. Not just the things I mentioned - everything. I'm kinda holed up in my room most of the time lately since I don't particularly want to hear everyone's problems, I don't want to try to think of ways to fix things, and if I'm not there to hear someone's problems then I can't exactly try to fix it can I? The main reason though is that I don't want someone trying to fix me. I don't want anyone saying anything to me when I start crying. I don't want to make other people cry by crying in front of them. I try to kind of make an appearance every once in a while when I'm not feeling sad so I can be there for my family, especially Caitlyn, but eventually I start to cry again and like I said I don't want to make everyone else cry.

I don't see how they can stand it.
I don't see how they can go through the day without crying.
I just don't get it.
I just cry and cry.
I know Grandma is having a hard time keeping from crying, you can see it when she starts to talk about certain things. I don't recall ever having seen her look so vulnerable and human.
She cries herself to sleep every night.
My mom just seems muted somehow- like part of her is off somewhere else though she really doesn't show any other signs of mourning. Maybe muted isn't the word- flattened? stretched? Her energy is not as vibrant... there's something missing from her voice and... her step... Anyone out there know what I mean?
My aunt seems almost like it isn't such a big deal now. I know she cried when he died, I saw her cry a few times between his death and the funeral, then nothing. Her voice doesn't crack, there is no sadness in her face or her voice or her anything. There's nothing about her that says "I just lost my dad."
My uncle looks ten times more drained than my mom.


I wonder how I look. I wonder if people can tell how I'm feeling. I wonder if I were to bump into someone tomorrow that didn't know would they be able to tell at first glance that something was terribly wrong?

I can't paint. I can't even try.
I thought about trying. I've been wearing these paint stained pants for like 2 weeks. No, not the same pair, and yes- they've been washed. I'm trying to get in the mood to paint- I think it would be theraputic or something. I just can't.

I don't know what could possibly make this hurt less.


Thursday, January 20, 2005

Tuesday

We were going to wait until the afternoon to go to the hospital since the doctor would not be there to remove the ventilator until 4 pm, but at around 11 am the doctor called back to say that grandpa's heart rate was erratic and he may not last that long.
We all rushed to the hospital.
It felt like it took forever to get there.
My aunt dropped everyone off at the front door so we didn't have to wait for her to find a parking spot.
I was practically running down the hallway afraid we might be too late. We weren't.
I went directly to his room and put on gloves and went to his side to let home know I was there.
We all stood around his bed telling him how much we loved him.
We were all very tense and jumped whenever a machine started beeping. "Is that Grandpa's ?" "No, that's another room."
I held his hand until around 3 pm when lack of sleep and hunger finally got the best of me and I went down to the cafeteria with Angie and Melissa.
Even then there wasn't any relief of stress. All I kept thinking about was getting back up there. I practically inhaled my food.
We got back to his room and he was still about the same as when we left so I went to smoke a cigarette and sit down for a few minutes.
When I got back in the room it was twice as crowded as when I left. I couldn't get over to the bed for about 20 or 30 minutes, but I guess that's alright since I had been right there all morning not giving anyone else a chance to hold his hand.
As soon as I got a chance I moved back up beside him.
Everyone was crying. People kept talking about his funeral right in front of him. I tried to talk to him when people started doing that, hoping he either couldn't hear them or couldn't understand them and me at the same time.
Most of the family said they didn't want to be in the room when he died. They didn't want to see him gasping for air.
Only four people said they would stay with him - including me.
When it started getting closer and closer to 4 o'clock everyone started tensing up, crying and looking at the clock every few seconds.
The doctor didn't arrive until about 4:30 and at about 4:40 or 4:45 everyone left the room while the doctor removed the ventilator. I asked if I could stay and hold Grandpa's hand and they said that was fine and if anyone else wanted to stay that was also fine. Noone else wanted to stay. Noone wanted to see that. I guess I can understand... in a way...
I just couldn't leave Grandpa to go through that alone. I just wanted him to feel safe. It was sort of upsetting. I don't think I'll be forgetting that any time soon. Grandpa seemed more comfortable afterwards though. Like he was all tense having that tube in his mouth for so long and then finally it was out and he could close his mouth again. They then removed a few other tubes and opened the curtain back up for the family to return. He really didn't seem to be breathing any differently than he was on the ventilator, at least not for awhile.
After a few minutes his breathing became more shallow and labored.
30 to 45 minutes later Angie told me my mom was upset and wanted to go home and I was so drained by that point that I decided to go home too. I just didn't feel I could handle anymore. I felt faint.
We didn't hear anything for awhile, then at 7:15 my cousin called to say that my Grandpa had passed away at 7:05.
Grandma didn't leave the hospital for another two hours. I'm not even sure what time she got home. She didn't want to answer the phone or talk to anyone for awhile. I really don't have any idea how many people I had to talk to- how many phone calls I had to answer...
I sometimes feel numb, tired, deflated and when I'm not feeling like any of those I'm crying.
I don't want to have to tell anyone else that he's dead. I don't want to hear condolences and platitudes.
I want my grandpa back.

Billy E. Cramer Sr.

Billy E. Cramer, Sr., Kansas City, MO, passed away January 18, 2005, at Research Medical Center. Services will be Saturday, January 22 at Gladstone Fellowship Pentecostal Church of God, 7001 N. Harrison, Kansas City, MO. Visitation will be 11 a.m., followed by funeral service at 12 noon. Burial in Mt. Washington Forever Cemetery, Independence, MO. Mr. Cramer was born in Sedalia, MO, May 21, 1928. He retired from Union Wire Rope after 34 years of service. He was a member of Gladstone Fellowship Church. He enjoyed music playing, both the Banjo and Fiddle. He is survived by his wife of 55 years, Virginia Cramer; daughters Linda Brown and Karen Gravenstein; son Billy E. Cramer, Jr., all of Kansas City, MO; 14 grandchildren; and 11 greatgrandchildren. (Arr. Mt. Washington Forever Funeral Home, 816-2524141)

Published in the Kansas City Star on 1/20/2005.

http://www.legacy.com/kansascity/LegacySubPage2.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=3061202


http://www.legacy.com/kansascity/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=3061202

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

:(

I haven't slept all night. I am so tired and I itch all over because I had something to eat that was made with a corn product. I don't think there is any way for me to get any sleep today unless I pass out from sheer exhaustion. I have to be awake to go to the hospital at 4. I already told my mother that if I happen to fall asleep and she has a problem waking me up throw water on me or something- don't make me miss my last chance to see him. I have to be there for my grandpa. I comforted him in life- I should help comfort him now. Whenever he was upset about something I would try to take his mind off of it or make him laugh. When he couldn't walk or was feeling faint or weak I was there to help him to a chair or his bed. I can't let him go without holding his hand and letting him know I'm there. Not that I would be the most important person there, just... I know that if he were aware of who was there he would be sad if I weren't.
I'm going to miss him. I have been missing him for the past month, but it's going to be so much harder knowing he won't be coming back.
I am blogging this because I can't call anyone at this hour- yeah it's almost 10 am but most of the people I know are either at work or work late and therefore have only been asleep for a few hours. Besides- who wants to wake up to a phone call by someone that can do nothing but cry?
Yeah I'm crying while I type this. I'm crying and shaking and at least this way I don't have to say it out loud. I don't think I could say it out loud. I'd have to convince myself it wasn't true first. I'd have to tell myself that we are going to go down there and the doctor will tell us a miracle occurred and grandpa will be fine before I could even start to voice the words "My grandpa is dying today." Even just typing that makes me cry harder.
I want my grandpa back.

4 O'clock

Today at 4 pm they are going to shut off the life support.
All of my grandfather's organs either have shut down or are in the process of shutting down.
He is in a great deal of pain and when the morphine wears off all he does is moan and he looks like he's in so much pain.
It would be just cruel to make him suffer. I can't take the expression on his face when the morphine wears off. Anyone can clearly see what pain he's in. He was never one to be stopped by pain. He'd get hurt and either not say a thing or just go "Ow." and then go on with what he was doing. For him to be in this kind of pain...
I don't want my grandpa to die.
I also don't want him in this kind of pain while he slowly dies.
My aunt says we should just wait and not take away the life support...
If there were any way he could still make it through this, even if it were a one in a million chance that he'd be back to his normal self again I'd say "WAIT!"
That's not going to happen though.
He can not make it unless God granted a miracle.
4 O'Clock this afternoon. I should have been prepared for this. We should have known, or at least really prepared for this. Everyone kept thinking he was going to get better. We knew that even though he would get better for awhile he would also get worse.

Monday, January 17, 2005

My Grandpa

My grandpa is getting a lot worse. The other day the doctor took him off of his food and everything and the only thing he was still hooked up to was the ventilator. My grandma didn't know until she got there and she was all upset about it and so was everyone else. I guess they hooked the stuff back up though. Today he had to go through 12 hours of dialysis. They say he most likely won't last the week. He looks awful. I didn't get to go see him today, but hopefully tomorrow I will.
He doesn't have life insurance. We don't have the money to bury him if he does die. I don't know how we will pay for his funeral.
I don't know how my grandma is going to manage the house and everything on the amount of money she would be getting. I'm going to pay part of the utilities but what I can pay probably won't go far. My mom is also going to try t help out but right now she can't afford much either- car payments etc.
I kind of hope he gets better, but he seems to be in so much pain and if he isn't going to get better then I hope he goes peacefully and quickly.

Friday, January 14, 2005

I went to a lumber yard yesterday to see if I could get some MDF to make my own canvases. I called ahead to make sure they had it in stock. I got there and found out their saw blade is bent so they couldn't cut it for me. It's a 4 foot by 8 foot sheet. There's no way I could have brought it home even if I knew how to use grandpa's table saw. So... I am going to wait a few days and call back. If it isn't fixed then I'll probably call another lumber yard or something. Also I need to find out what else I need to prepare them.
I also went to a hobby store and got some yellow. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the very last little bit of paint out of a tube without getting it all over you? I took a little detour through the fabric department and just had to get some fabric for my quilts. It's really pretty. I got this orange/pink fabric and this blue/green/yellow flowery fabric.
I'll probably have tons of free time soon since the rate for the cable modem goes up next month and apparently we can't get DSL in my area yet and my monitor is about to go kablooey. Just lettin y'all know so you don't wonder too much when I disappear for weeks at a time. Hopefully it won't be months. The DSL is hooked up but it isn't working yet. I don't know how long it'll be before it's all set up. As for the monitor...I don't know. If my grandpa gets better soon and everything then I shouldn't have too much trouble replacing the monitor. If not then I have to save up money to move and also pay part of all the utilities and buy food for the house more often. Money will be tight. The gas bill this month is around 250 dollars. We are trying to cut back on things. Turning off lights when leaving a room, setting the thermostat just under 70 degrees, not leaving water running, etc. Hopefully next month won't be so bad.
I really don't want to have to move. I don't know where I would move to. I need to go back to school and I don't think I coudl afford it if I lived on my own. Plus I have to save money back for a car.
Blah.
To end on a good note-
I GOT YELLOW WHOOOO HOOO!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Scott

Scott was all pissy cuz I said I'd mention him in my blog and I forgot.
So again I told Scott that I'd mention him.
I totally forgot to mention Scott again.
Scott
Scott
Scott
Scott
Think he's mentioned enough now?

Monday, January 10, 2005

Hospital Visit

I went to visit my grandpa. He looked so awful at first. There are all these tubes sicking out of him and he was all uncovered and he kept trying to open his eyes but I guess he was having trouble.... He kept shaking too. Then a nurse came in the room like 5 minutes after we got there and told us we had to leave so she could bathe him and to come back in an hour. My sister and I left and I told my grandma about him shaking like that and shesaid that it's because the nurse hadn't given him his medicine yet. When we went back in he looked alot more comfortable. He didn't shake anymore and he was all cleaned up and they had put these pillows under his arms and covered his up really well. He was sleeping and looked like he was comfortable. He hasn't looked that comfy in ...um... ever? Grandma said it's probably the morphine.

I was kinda afraid he might catch something from me. I've been feeling so sick and icky lately. I have a sinus headache and haven't been able to get to the pharmacy yet. Also my stomache is just ... blech. I have been eating lots of crackers and Tums. I've been feeling sick to my stomache for awhile nowbut it comes and goes. I think most of the time it's the paint thinner fumes or something- gets so much worse when I start painting, but it's been really bad the past couple of days and I haven't been painting. I think it's from being all stressed, but I'm not sure. Angie was saying she's had something just like it and neither of us can think of anything we both did or came in contact with to make us sick like this. Hopefully it is just stress and fumes- no the bottle isn't anywhere near me- cause even though it's not likely that grandpa could catch something (he's on like 5 anti-biotics), I don't wanna make him worse than he is.
He's been geting better everyday. Or for the past 2 days anyway.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

*****Sigh*****

Ok, my grandpa has been in the hospital for about 3 1/2 weeks now.
They operated on his colon. He got a staph infection from the IV in his neck. The staph infection went away. Then he got a bacterial infection. They said he may die from it and it was contagious and he went into the ICU. His kidneys shut down then he could't breathe on his own. They put him on a ventilator. The doctor told us that if any family members wanted to see him they should do it soon because he may only have a day or two. Then he got better. They took him off the ventilator and started dialysis. They moved him to another room in the ICU. He was doing great. He was alert and talking and everything. Then the next thing I know he's back on the ventilator and his white blood cell count is way too high and they were talking about another operation. Now the doctor said there is a way around the operation which is good because the odds weren't looking too good. Everyday there's something else. One day he's getting better and the next....
My uncle made arrangements just in case.
I don't think I could handle it if he were to die. I'm so stressed already. Half the time I can't eat and feel sick to my stomache and the other half I'm getting my hopes up just to have them dashed the next day. I want to go and see him again but the roads have been icy. Hopefully I'll get out to visit him tomorrow.
The last I heard he was doing better and his white blood cell count was going back to normal and things are looking good.