Tuesday

We were going to wait until the afternoon to go to the hospital since the doctor would not be there to remove the ventilator until 4 pm, but at around 11 am the doctor called back to say that grandpa's heart rate was erratic and he may not last that long.
We all rushed to the hospital.
It felt like it took forever to get there.
My aunt dropped everyone off at the front door so we didn't have to wait for her to find a parking spot.
I was practically running down the hallway afraid we might be too late. We weren't.
I went directly to his room and put on gloves and went to his side to let home know I was there.
We all stood around his bed telling him how much we loved him.
We were all very tense and jumped whenever a machine started beeping. "Is that Grandpa's ?" "No, that's another room."
I held his hand until around 3 pm when lack of sleep and hunger finally got the best of me and I went down to the cafeteria with Angie and Melissa.
Even then there wasn't any relief of stress. All I kept thinking about was getting back up there. I practically inhaled my food.
We got back to his room and he was still about the same as when we left so I went to smoke a cigarette and sit down for a few minutes.
When I got back in the room it was twice as crowded as when I left. I couldn't get over to the bed for about 20 or 30 minutes, but I guess that's alright since I had been right there all morning not giving anyone else a chance to hold his hand.
As soon as I got a chance I moved back up beside him.
Everyone was crying. People kept talking about his funeral right in front of him. I tried to talk to him when people started doing that, hoping he either couldn't hear them or couldn't understand them and me at the same time.
Most of the family said they didn't want to be in the room when he died. They didn't want to see him gasping for air.
Only four people said they would stay with him - including me.
When it started getting closer and closer to 4 o'clock everyone started tensing up, crying and looking at the clock every few seconds.
The doctor didn't arrive until about 4:30 and at about 4:40 or 4:45 everyone left the room while the doctor removed the ventilator. I asked if I could stay and hold Grandpa's hand and they said that was fine and if anyone else wanted to stay that was also fine. Noone else wanted to stay. Noone wanted to see that. I guess I can understand... in a way...
I just couldn't leave Grandpa to go through that alone. I just wanted him to feel safe. It was sort of upsetting. I don't think I'll be forgetting that any time soon. Grandpa seemed more comfortable afterwards though. Like he was all tense having that tube in his mouth for so long and then finally it was out and he could close his mouth again. They then removed a few other tubes and opened the curtain back up for the family to return. He really didn't seem to be breathing any differently than he was on the ventilator, at least not for awhile.
After a few minutes his breathing became more shallow and labored.
30 to 45 minutes later Angie told me my mom was upset and wanted to go home and I was so drained by that point that I decided to go home too. I just didn't feel I could handle anymore. I felt faint.
We didn't hear anything for awhile, then at 7:15 my cousin called to say that my Grandpa had passed away at 7:05.
Grandma didn't leave the hospital for another two hours. I'm not even sure what time she got home. She didn't want to answer the phone or talk to anyone for awhile. I really don't have any idea how many people I had to talk to- how many phone calls I had to answer...
I sometimes feel numb, tired, deflated and when I'm not feeling like any of those I'm crying.
I don't want to have to tell anyone else that he's dead. I don't want to hear condolences and platitudes.
I want my grandpa back.