:(

I haven't slept all night. I am so tired and I itch all over because I had something to eat that was made with a corn product. I don't think there is any way for me to get any sleep today unless I pass out from sheer exhaustion. I have to be awake to go to the hospital at 4. I already told my mother that if I happen to fall asleep and she has a problem waking me up throw water on me or something- don't make me miss my last chance to see him. I have to be there for my grandpa. I comforted him in life- I should help comfort him now. Whenever he was upset about something I would try to take his mind off of it or make him laugh. When he couldn't walk or was feeling faint or weak I was there to help him to a chair or his bed. I can't let him go without holding his hand and letting him know I'm there. Not that I would be the most important person there, just... I know that if he were aware of who was there he would be sad if I weren't.
I'm going to miss him. I have been missing him for the past month, but it's going to be so much harder knowing he won't be coming back.
I am blogging this because I can't call anyone at this hour- yeah it's almost 10 am but most of the people I know are either at work or work late and therefore have only been asleep for a few hours. Besides- who wants to wake up to a phone call by someone that can do nothing but cry?
Yeah I'm crying while I type this. I'm crying and shaking and at least this way I don't have to say it out loud. I don't think I could say it out loud. I'd have to convince myself it wasn't true first. I'd have to tell myself that we are going to go down there and the doctor will tell us a miracle occurred and grandpa will be fine before I could even start to voice the words "My grandpa is dying today." Even just typing that makes me cry harder.
I want my grandpa back.