Why I sigh

Personal junk, things I think are funny, sad stuff, happy stuff, just my life as I see it + lots of dreams. (Disclaimer- Not everything that appears in this blog is 100% accurate.)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

hmm hmm hmm...

I'm bored. I should be calling Jeremy or something.. but I don't feel like talking. I hurt all over because of the weather and my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy because of Fluffy.
Have I mentioned Fluffy? He is the 3rd cat my grandmother has had this year. Each cat she gets she says it's lazy, smelly, annoying, etc. We got rid of Fluffy a couple of weeks ago (right before Thanksgiving) because of my allergies. My eyelids were all red and swollen and itchy and my throat felt all "tight", I've never had such a bad reaction to cats.
So Fluffy went to live with my cousin.
After about a week we started seeing mice. My mom saw one in the kitchen, I kept seeing them in the living room and I could hear them in my bedroom. Eventually it got so bad that my grandma got Fluffy back even though I'm all puffy.
I gave him a bath earlier tonight so maybe it won't be so bad...
I haven't called Jeremy in several days, he stopped calling me too. I know he probably thinks I don't want to talk to HIM, but really I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even in person. I hurt and I know it might sound weird but -
Think of the absolute worst pain you've ever been in, there you are in intense horrid pain and someone is trying to talk to you about what you want for dinner or wether or not it's going to snow or they're telling you about some movie they saw and you're screaming in pain.
Now perhaps there's a tiny bit of insight into why I avoid talking to people when I'm in pain.
I don't think Jeremy is right for me anyway. I like him, there are things about him which I think are awesome, but we don't want the same things and he has all these hang ups from his last girlfriend.
I took all the neopet stuff off my site because they froze my account, Caitlyn's account, Josh's account, Matt's account, Connor's account, etc. All because they were all accessed on the same computer. It said something about that I was using multiple accounts to make neopoints unfairly or something. It's not like I would take the points from one account and give them to the other account, they were all separate. I DID do a little of that occasionally with Caitlyn's account, I wowuld be online on my account, see something cool for sale that she would want, buy it and then give it to her account, but that's allowed in their rules.
I'm annoyed at that and would wash my hands of the whole mess if not for the fact that the kids worked hard on those. I worked on them too, but they don't really mean all that to me, it's just a game.

Angie called me the other night and said the kids found a cat that they thought might be Rupert. Angie is also allergic to cats but she kept him inside (in her basement) long enough for me to go see if it was really him. The whole time I was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell, I mean don't cats all look the same if they have the same coloring? Then I was thinking that I might want so desperately to believe it was him that I might ignore the fact that it wasn't. Well.. it wasn't him, not even close. He had the same color fur but his face was different, his personality was different, his weight, his ..everything. I'm glad she let me know though, and I'm glad I went. I miss Rupert and any chance of getting him back and I'm there. I almost cried when Angie called, it's been quite awhile since he ran away but I still love him. (Yes, I realize that having 2 cats while being allergic would be even worse, but if it HAD been him I'd be setting up allergist appointments and popping allergy pills.)

Saturday, October 01, 2005


I was doing this search on the internet, just for the heck of it, looking for that art institute through the mail thingie where they send you a brochure and you draw a cartoon and they say whether or not they think you're any good. I couldn't remember the name of the place (migraine) so I just picked obvious words. What showed up first was the Kansas City Art Institute (KCAI) and I was curious so I entered my info thinking they might send me some little card thingie or an email. They sent me this packet. I read it. I want to go. I so want to get to experience that, learning about all the things I want to try and do. They have classes in fabric dying and weaving and of course sculpture and ceramics and glass and painting and mixed media (which I personally don't understand at this point but so want to try). I want to try everything they had listed. Not "just about" - EVERYTHING. I don't know if I can though. I don't know how I'd pay for it, if I'd get in, how I'd get to class or - the most important- would I be able to go to class ? With the migraines and the fibromyalgia and everything that involves I don't know if I could make it to class enough to not get kicked out. I really do want to learn about all those things though. So much so that I'm coming up with a plan. An actual plan. A plan of attack if you will. I am going to force myself into a schedule and a balanced diet and do whatever I can to get the pain at least somewhat under control. I bought an organizer earlier this week because I can never find addresses and keep forgetting appointments. I'm going to keep all that stuff in there- appointments, deadlines, phone numbers, diet tips, medicine schedule, anything and everything I can think of that will help me stick to this. I need to do this anyway, not just for some school that I might not get into, for myself, so maybe I can actually leave the house more often.
I've tried so many things to get the pain under control and several times I thought I finally had it, of course that was during a good season and once a bad season hit I was a goner- but I'm not going for complete control, just a handle on it. Just enough to function in the real world.
I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of not doing anything I'm tired of .. Well... This life I'm leading, not that I want it to end, I want it to change. I've wanted that for a long time. I would love to just drop everything and move off to someplace I've never been and start a life there, I can't though. No job, no money , no car, and too much pain.

Friday, September 09, 2005

I'm baaaaaaaaaack

OMG I was gone for soooooo long! I'm sure you all missed me sooo much you posted your worry in a comment on my blog..... Nope, the only comment I had while I was away was some jerk posting ads. Is that legal? Seriously. Is is legal to advertise on someone's blog without their express consent? In case there is ever a question- NO you CANNOT post ads to my blog! Get your own blog and leave mine alone!
Ok... So it's been over a month... what's new? My aunt finally moved and took her loud ass stinky dogs with her, unfortunately Caitlyn went with her :(. Caitlyn now has to go to yet another new school and make new friends all over again. I hope she keeps in touch with her old friends though. I know how much it sux to lose your friends all the time because some adult decides you have to move.
Everyone that still lives here had to clean up the mess they left behind. It's been over a week since they moved out and it's still not all done. We finally got nearly all the trash cleaned up- we have these HUGE trash bags I mean really huge, Thursday was trash day and we had 7 - SEVEN HUGE bags full of trash from all the crap they left behind. The basement needs to be scrubbed from top to bottom to get rid of that animal stench and then it should all be done and no more angry posts about my aunt or her dogs.
I have been painting a little bit. Not as much as I'd like- headaches again, but still ...
I just finished this one ... it's all red, a little black and a little white- it's pain, or my inturpretation of the pain I was feeling at the time. (I realize I'm typoing but I have a virus scan goign on right now and my computer is running slow- like two sentences behind at times and I'm not about to go back and fix everything right now. ) I have some new paints, new colors and a brand new set of water colors. So far I'm not liking the water colors, need to practice with them a little, get a feel for them.
I also got a new set of pencils- actually two sets if you count my crayola colored pencils :). I found this huge pad of easel paper for real cheap and was kinda trying the pencils out on that, but then there was this big problem that's to boring to get into so I started painting again. I was thinking ... alot of my paintings try to capture feeling or emotion, I wonder if maybe I shoudl try to capture more complex emotions, like happiness mixed with anxiety and sadness and content and anger and ...etc... I wonder if I could- could be my new ongoing project- could fill several rejected canvases...

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


I got to see Episode 3 Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com. It was good.
What else...?
Um... My nephew turned seven.
My sister doesn't talk to me online so I didn't get to tell her "Happy Birthday".
My grandpa's birthday was about a week before Memorial Day. I was sick on his birthday and spent the whole evening in the ER finding out nothing. I did get to visit his grave on Memorial Day.

Father's Day is coming up and I have no clue what to get for my dad.
My birthday is later this month. I will be... Image hosted by Photobucket.com... old! Image hosted by Photobucket.com Christy's -day is this month too and we are supposed to go out this weekend to celebrateImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.comit. I'd tell ya her age, but since we are the same age.. well...Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Paint and a bitch session

I painted.
I mostly painted with blues.
I did a little work on a purple girl I painted awhile back.
I can't seem to even start on her nose. I'm probably going to have to work that one out on paper first.
I did a little work on a sketch I did on canvas.
I painted a blue girl.
She still needs a nose, a mouth, and a chin.