***big sigh***

I started crying the other day, I'm not sure why, just some small thing that reminded me of my grandfather. I had finally gotten it down to a sniffle when a church's bells started ringing to "Nearer My God To Thee". I have been to many many churches in my life- Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Pentecostal, just to name a few of the more wide spread denominations-- and the only one I can remember having heard that particular song in was the church my grandparents attended, that and... well... the song itself. I think I would have really lost it if they had played " I'll Fly Away", that was his favorite song, we sang it at his funeral.
Why can I not think about anything else?
Why ?
I live in the house he built. Everywhere I look he's there.
He was always in the middle of some project around the house, most of them went unfinished for months or years because of his health. The main bathroom is only half painted and since he put in the new shower there's about an inch and a half strip of bare floor from one wall to the other where the bath tub used to be. We have hardwood floors and they've needed refinishing for at least 20 years but grandpa never got around to that- he was going to put in carpeting... The doors and trim all over the house need new paint, the plumbing went awry recently and the heating ducts are all dusty and dirty because he forgot to call someone in to clean them. There are so many things that need to be done around the house and I know it would help to get my mind off of loss... Then again- if I were to start fixing things around here I would have to use his tools for most of it and... I want to take this wall paper off my bedroom walls- it's just awful- gaudy horrible flowery wall paper- but grandpa picked it out. Grandpa went to the store and choose this wall paper over all other wall papers and hung it on the walls himself. How can *I* rip it off the walls??? The only thing that keeps me wanting to remove the stuff is the fact that grandpa didn't like it either. I think the reason he left it up is because to take it off and redo the walls would cost money and time - both of which he didn't want to spend on a room he wouldn't have to actually look at. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the paint that was on the walls- except it was pink. Grandpa seemed to have a thing for pink, peach and flowers. It's almost weird that the trim in the living room isn't pink- the walls are flowery though.
Also there are things I can not fix or do anything about unless I were to convince my grandma to call someone in to to fix them. I don't know how to redo floors. I don't know how to clean air ducts. I don't know how to rip up linoleum and put new stuff down. Given the tools and instructions and all I MIGHT be able to do something... I wouldn't have a clue what it would look like afterwards though.
At one point I had almost convinced him that it would be a good idea to insulate the floors to save on heating and cooling bills.
Who is going to paint the outside of the house?
Who is going to shingle the roof?


I need to find out what I need to do to the bathroom before painting. The ceiling in there is stained and there are cracks along the upper trim.
Do I need to clean it somehow? Do I need to spackle? How do you spell spackle? Do I need to fill in the cracks? If so how long do I wait to paint? Should we wait a certain amount of time to bath in there or would the steam not cause any problems with the paint drying? Should I paint the walls at the same time? When I paint the walls do I remove the cabinet above the toilet? There is this textured stuff on three of the walls that ends at the new shower, what do I do about that? Do I try to recreate the texturing or tile the wall above the shower?
I don't know.
I have to figure it out though. Grandma deserves a finished bathroom and there isn't anyone else willing to finish it. Even the front door needs work. I don't know why it needed it, but there's all this filler stuff on the door. Grandpa was going to paint it- he took the door down, sanded it, filled it, sanded again, didn't paint it and put it back on it's hinges.
Now don't start thinking my grandpa was flaky or something- he just had a lot of stuff going on.
People were always calling him for help with whatever they needed. People borrowed tools, food, money, etc. He fixed cars, plumbing, household appliances, etc. for everyone. Not just people in our family, everyone that asked him.
He wasn't just my grandpa he was everyone's grandpa. Some of my friends called him Grandpa, my cousins' friends called him Grandpa, even my second cousins and their kids called him Grandpa when it would be more appropriate to call him "Uncle" - he was "Grandpa" to everyone.

Isn't there something called "Stain Killer" or something like that that gets rid of stains and stuff before you paint?


I asked Grandma if it would be ok to apply for one of those Extreme Makeover Home Edition things and she said "Yeah." , but you have to print the application out and my printer has been on the fritz since Angie's kids printed out like 20 pages of game codes. I can't get the thing to work now and for some reason it shows two printers and it says I am using black ink- the ink cartridge is color. I don't have a clue how to fix this.

As you may have guessed I am on a "fix-it" bender. I wanna fix everything. Not just the things I mentioned - everything. I'm kinda holed up in my room most of the time lately since I don't particularly want to hear everyone's problems, I don't want to try to think of ways to fix things, and if I'm not there to hear someone's problems then I can't exactly try to fix it can I? The main reason though is that I don't want someone trying to fix me. I don't want anyone saying anything to me when I start crying. I don't want to make other people cry by crying in front of them. I try to kind of make an appearance every once in a while when I'm not feeling sad so I can be there for my family, especially Caitlyn, but eventually I start to cry again and like I said I don't want to make everyone else cry.

I don't see how they can stand it.
I don't see how they can go through the day without crying.
I just don't get it.
I just cry and cry.
I know Grandma is having a hard time keeping from crying, you can see it when she starts to talk about certain things. I don't recall ever having seen her look so vulnerable and human.
She cries herself to sleep every night.
My mom just seems muted somehow- like part of her is off somewhere else though she really doesn't show any other signs of mourning. Maybe muted isn't the word- flattened? stretched? Her energy is not as vibrant... there's something missing from her voice and... her step... Anyone out there know what I mean?
My aunt seems almost like it isn't such a big deal now. I know she cried when he died, I saw her cry a few times between his death and the funeral, then nothing. Her voice doesn't crack, there is no sadness in her face or her voice or her anything. There's nothing about her that says "I just lost my dad."
My uncle looks ten times more drained than my mom.


I wonder how I look. I wonder if people can tell how I'm feeling. I wonder if I were to bump into someone tomorrow that didn't know would they be able to tell at first glance that something was terribly wrong?

I can't paint. I can't even try.
I thought about trying. I've been wearing these paint stained pants for like 2 weeks. No, not the same pair, and yes- they've been washed. I'm trying to get in the mood to paint- I think it would be theraputic or something. I just can't.

I don't know what could possibly make this hurt less.