My grandfather

Is in the hospital.
He's very sick.
He goes into surgery tomorrow morning.
He keeps talking and acting as if he is about to die.
He's acted that way before, I just never really...
It's not that I think he's going to live forever...I just don't...
This time is different though...I'm scared.
I've been scared for him before, it's just... Now I'm really really scared.
I don't want to lose him.
I would miss him so much.
Everyone would.
I don't know what we would do without him.


If there was some way to extend his life by decreasing mine I'd do it.
Like trade the last few years of my life so that his life could be a little longer.
That would be incredibly selfish of me though.
I know he's tired.
I know he's sick of life.
I know he sometimes prays to die so his pain will end.
So to try to extend his misery just because I would miss him...

I was just going to post about him being sick and ask people to keep him in their prayers. I don't think I could stop there though.

In a way I feel I should be preparing myself for the worst and reminding myself how if that were to happen he would no longer be in pain and he would be at peace.

In a way I feel like convincing myself he is invincible and will never die.
That I would know somehow before hand...
I don't want to visit him in the hospital.
I'm afraid if I do I'll start crying and upset him.
I know I will cry.
I know it will upset him.
I'm afraid that me crying in front of him will somehow make him feel worse than before and then maybe he won't fight as hard to stay here...
If that makes any sense ...
It's irrational I know, if he is going to die it would be best if I go and see him one last time and be with him to comfort him.
How much comfort would I be right now?
I'm crying. I'm scared for him and how can me letting him know that I'm crying and scared make him feel better?
I don't think I could stay away if it came right down to it. I mean if we heard there were only days left and there was no way around it, I'd go, I...
I ...