My ranting about my family
Ok, this is a post I made to a forum, this is only replicated here so that anyone who reads this and doesn't get why my children don't live with me doesn't have to google me to find out. This was a couple of years ago, and seriously I would never kidnap my children, the only reason why I said anything about it is it was mentioned to me several times by other people. I think that it would be detrimental to a child's development to go through something like that
Me-
My daughter lives with my aunt. My aunt is a horrible parent. My daughter has been sick now for 3 months and has yet to see a doctor. It is quite cold outside and my aunt dresses my daughter in summer clothing. Her hair is never brushed. She is always dirty. She is eight now and has only attended school 2 1/2 months, she was never in school until this semester and is no longer attending (she didn't even know what school was until recently- she thought Sunday School was school). She has nightmares and wakes up screaming at 3 am. My aunt will give her boyfriend sponge baths in front of my daughter. My aunt left her in the principal's office at school for 3 hours ( she was very sick and they didn't want the other children to catch what she had), until my grandfather went to pick her up himself. My grandparents often babysit my daughter and when my aunt and her live-in-lover come to pick her up she runs away screaming that she doesn't want to go, and hides. My aunt won't let me see my daughter , won't let me have pictures of her, tells her that I am a horrible person, that I am mean, that I don't love her, etc.. I am trying to regain custody and now my maternal extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. On my mother's side) are no longer talking to me. I found out that in order to hire a lawyer to get custody back I need $2,000 for a retainer- and like I said I am disabled and I really have no idea where I'm going to get the money. But I will- I can not leave my daughter with that woman.
C. W.-
Nothing would come between me and my daughter. I would kidnap her and move away to another state, change your name, and begin with welfare. I have known a few people who have done this. The government will support you without a man, you just need the know-how to get a new identity. What a sad situation. Where is the father?
Law of Love.
Me-
Well, first I must explain I was 17 when I met him and I knew he had trouble with the law in the past. I had no idea how much trouble (I thought it was just petty stuff- and to some it is). But he is in prison, on and off since about a month after I found out I was pregnant. The longest time he has been out of prison since I've known him is 7 1/2 months- the length of time we were dating. He is back in prison, he expects to be out in Jan. If he does get released I'm certain he will be back there in a matter of a couple of months. Also- NO I am not one of those women that find "bad boys" sexy. It pisses me off when people I know go around hurting other people- even if it is "just" stealing a few things from them- it is hurtful and a complete invasion of that person. As for kidnapping her ---I wouldn't know where to go, where to start, what to do, how to find her....but I've thought about it....
Me-
History---I dropped out of high school when I was 16 because of incredible pain (mostly in my back)- it was difficult to move or walk and the school I was going to had three floors- going up and down those stairs was killing me. None of my classes were on the same floor- meaning I would have to go from the ground floor to the third and then down to the basement and back again between every class. I talked to the principal about this and he would not let me rearrange my classes. I tried to transfer to another school, but all the schools in the district were full. I tried to see if I could go out of district- I couldn't. My doctors didn't know what was wrong with me ( one doctor told me I was a complete brat and just trying to get attention), so I could not prove reason for concession or transfer, and eventually just gave up. The pain steadily worsened. About a yr. and a half after that I became pregnant with my daughter. I was afraid, mostly because the pain was getting worse so much more rapidly.. I was 17-18 and I felt 80. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of her, that I couldn't give her the things she would need, mostly normal fears for teen-unwed-mother-to-be. She was born in November. She was so small- 5lb 9ounces...I ate healthy, I took the vitamins, I did most of what the doctor told me to, I couldn't understand why she was so tiny- my son was 5lb 12 and the doctors/nurses thought I was on drugs- I wasn't, they ran tests and confirmed my assertion. Back to my daughter---after she was born I was so incredibly tired, I hurt constantly over my entire body. I tried to concentrate on her and not the pain- tried to ignore it, tried to wish it away, meditate it away, tried to get sleep thinking that would help, went to the doctor repeatedly, did whatever I could think of to get a handle on it. When she was 4 mos. old there came a time when noone was around and she was in the other room, crying. I could not move, my back had frozen up, I had taken my pain killers a few minutes before she started crying and they had not kicked in yet, I knew this time I couldn't get it to go away by just wanting it to. I called my aunt ( took me a hellofa long time to get to the phone- 2 Ft. away) to see if she would take my daughter to church with her- hoping that by the time service was over I could move freely again. By the time she got there I was able to move around a little but I couldn't pick Caitie up. All I was able to do was get a few of her things together and be with her to comfort her. This type of thing had happened before but was not as severe and usually there was someone else there. Well, it didn't "get better" for a few days and my aunt was more than happy to babysit and bring her over everyday. During this time I thought about the future - what could happen when my daughter was old enough to crawl/ walk and I couldn't get to her, I couldn't protect her. I had a dream in which she toddled out to the street and a car was coming and I ...I woke up sweating before anything happened in the dream- but it scared the crap out of me. My grandparents and my aunt had been after me since I found out I was going to have a baby to give custody to my aunt...saying that my aunt and uncle would be better providers for her, they could protect her, she would have a brother and sisters, they hit everything I was concerned about - and eventually that was the only option I saw. I didn't give up custody until much later and under false pretenses by my aunt. I'm a bit tired of typing at the moment and will finish this another time.
Me-
My daughter lives with my aunt. My aunt is a horrible parent. My daughter has been sick now for 3 months and has yet to see a doctor. It is quite cold outside and my aunt dresses my daughter in summer clothing. Her hair is never brushed. She is always dirty. She is eight now and has only attended school 2 1/2 months, she was never in school until this semester and is no longer attending (she didn't even know what school was until recently- she thought Sunday School was school). She has nightmares and wakes up screaming at 3 am. My aunt will give her boyfriend sponge baths in front of my daughter. My aunt left her in the principal's office at school for 3 hours ( she was very sick and they didn't want the other children to catch what she had), until my grandfather went to pick her up himself. My grandparents often babysit my daughter and when my aunt and her live-in-lover come to pick her up she runs away screaming that she doesn't want to go, and hides. My aunt won't let me see my daughter , won't let me have pictures of her, tells her that I am a horrible person, that I am mean, that I don't love her, etc.. I am trying to regain custody and now my maternal extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. On my mother's side) are no longer talking to me. I found out that in order to hire a lawyer to get custody back I need $2,000 for a retainer- and like I said I am disabled and I really have no idea where I'm going to get the money. But I will- I can not leave my daughter with that woman.
C. W.-
Nothing would come between me and my daughter. I would kidnap her and move away to another state, change your name, and begin with welfare. I have known a few people who have done this. The government will support you without a man, you just need the know-how to get a new identity. What a sad situation. Where is the father?
Law of Love.
Me-
Well, first I must explain I was 17 when I met him and I knew he had trouble with the law in the past. I had no idea how much trouble (I thought it was just petty stuff- and to some it is). But he is in prison, on and off since about a month after I found out I was pregnant. The longest time he has been out of prison since I've known him is 7 1/2 months- the length of time we were dating. He is back in prison, he expects to be out in Jan. If he does get released I'm certain he will be back there in a matter of a couple of months. Also- NO I am not one of those women that find "bad boys" sexy. It pisses me off when people I know go around hurting other people- even if it is "just" stealing a few things from them- it is hurtful and a complete invasion of that person. As for kidnapping her ---I wouldn't know where to go, where to start, what to do, how to find her....but I've thought about it....
Me-
History---I dropped out of high school when I was 16 because of incredible pain (mostly in my back)- it was difficult to move or walk and the school I was going to had three floors- going up and down those stairs was killing me. None of my classes were on the same floor- meaning I would have to go from the ground floor to the third and then down to the basement and back again between every class. I talked to the principal about this and he would not let me rearrange my classes. I tried to transfer to another school, but all the schools in the district were full. I tried to see if I could go out of district- I couldn't. My doctors didn't know what was wrong with me ( one doctor told me I was a complete brat and just trying to get attention), so I could not prove reason for concession or transfer, and eventually just gave up. The pain steadily worsened. About a yr. and a half after that I became pregnant with my daughter. I was afraid, mostly because the pain was getting worse so much more rapidly.. I was 17-18 and I felt 80. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of her, that I couldn't give her the things she would need, mostly normal fears for teen-unwed-mother-to-be. She was born in November. She was so small- 5lb 9ounces...I ate healthy, I took the vitamins, I did most of what the doctor told me to, I couldn't understand why she was so tiny- my son was 5lb 12 and the doctors/nurses thought I was on drugs- I wasn't, they ran tests and confirmed my assertion. Back to my daughter---after she was born I was so incredibly tired, I hurt constantly over my entire body. I tried to concentrate on her and not the pain- tried to ignore it, tried to wish it away, meditate it away, tried to get sleep thinking that would help, went to the doctor repeatedly, did whatever I could think of to get a handle on it. When she was 4 mos. old there came a time when noone was around and she was in the other room, crying. I could not move, my back had frozen up, I had taken my pain killers a few minutes before she started crying and they had not kicked in yet, I knew this time I couldn't get it to go away by just wanting it to. I called my aunt ( took me a hellofa long time to get to the phone- 2 Ft. away) to see if she would take my daughter to church with her- hoping that by the time service was over I could move freely again. By the time she got there I was able to move around a little but I couldn't pick Caitie up. All I was able to do was get a few of her things together and be with her to comfort her. This type of thing had happened before but was not as severe and usually there was someone else there. Well, it didn't "get better" for a few days and my aunt was more than happy to babysit and bring her over everyday. During this time I thought about the future - what could happen when my daughter was old enough to crawl/ walk and I couldn't get to her, I couldn't protect her. I had a dream in which she toddled out to the street and a car was coming and I ...I woke up sweating before anything happened in the dream- but it scared the crap out of me. My grandparents and my aunt had been after me since I found out I was going to have a baby to give custody to my aunt...saying that my aunt and uncle would be better providers for her, they could protect her, she would have a brother and sisters, they hit everything I was concerned about - and eventually that was the only option I saw. I didn't give up custody until much later and under false pretenses by my aunt. I'm a bit tired of typing at the moment and will finish this another time.
posted by Me @ 9/08/2004 02:53:00 PM
1 Comments:
At 3:25 AM,
Me said…
Ok. Yes, I am hiding this post. I didn't want this to show up on my front page.
I am tired of people asking me what I do. I got tired of it long ago. I know I don't look like there's anything wrong with me, and most of the time NOW there isn't. Or if there is I can handle it. I do have Fibromyalgia and alot of things that go along with that. I take my medicine, I rest when I can, I eat certain foods and avoid others as per doctor's suggestions. I try to keep it completely under control, but I haven't been totally successful at it yet.
I avoid starting any dating type of relationship around certain times of the year because I know that in all likelyhood I will be hurting alot and unable to spend time with the guy. I have had too many relationships go south or even barely start up because the guy couldn't handle me being in pain. I'm really kinda scared about this new relationship since I'm already being sick all the time, even though it isn't due to the Fibromyalgia. I'm afraid he'll start thinking that I'm not worth all the headaches.
That isn't the point.
People ask me all the time "What do you do?" "Nothing." I don't have a job, I play on my computer, watch tv, hang out with friends, and paint. They act as if it's an incredibly horrible thing for me to be on SSI. As if I am trying to get a free ride through life.
I would love to have a job. I would love to be supporting myself. I don't care what kind of job I'd have to take, I want a job. I can not go into retail, I can not do any job that requires lifting, standing, walking, etc. I am not qualified to do anything else though. I have no education. I get that people misunderstand at times and get the impression that I graduated high school and most think I've been to college. I am a drop out. I left school in the middle of tenth grade. I have not taken the GED test. I have of course not been to college. I don't really get WHY people think I have been. Even my family, and they know me. At this point the only hope I have for getting off of welfare is going to Vocational Rehab and getting them to pay for me to go to college so that I CAN be qualified to get a job.
I'm in pain, I am on SSI because I can not work like this. I would not have been approved for SSI if there was nothing wrong with me. They don't just give it out to everyone that applies for it, it's a really long process involving many many doctors and exams. If I had been faking or just trying to get it so I could be lazy for the rest of my life I would not have been approved. I have heard Missouri is one of the hardest states to get SSI in and I knew a guy who knew a guy that was blind and still couldn't get approved. He had an education though and they said that he could continue doing his job all he needed was some special whatchamacallits to make his job do-able for him. One of the main factors for me being approved was my educational background.
Why am I posting this as a comment to a post in which I ranted about my family?
I'm just getting started, that's why.
I wanted to finish high school and go to college. I say the only reason I quit school was because I was having a hard time running up and down the stairs all day between classes and my Fibromyalgia had just started and my doctor didn't know why I hurt so much. He actually said that I was just trying to get attention and that I was a spoiled brat. I could not get permission from the school to use the elevator instead of the stairs because my doctor would not write me a note. I tried everything I could think of before I gave up on it and quit school. The thing most people don't know is that the whole time I was trying to stay in school my family was telling me to quit. They knew that I could pass the GED test right then and thought it was a waste of time to continue in school when I could just take one test and get it over with. I thought that was a really messed up way to look at it, I mean weren't they supposed to encourage me to finish school? Weren't they supposed to be encouraging me to go to college? I thought if I only had a GED that I would never be able to get into a college, and even if I did I couldn't get any form of financial aid. SO when I finally did quit I didn't even try to get my GED. I got depressed, I felt like my whole life was going down the toilet just because my back, legs, etc. hurt. I had plans. My plans didn't involve quitting school.
That's not the only problem. There are other reasons I don't have a job. I know this may start to sound like a blame post or something, but I feel like crud and am ticked off because once again I was asked "Why?". Why don't I work?
I tried to get a job. I went around all over the place putting in applications. I was hired a couple of times. I was so happy. Then no one in my family would take me to work. I don't have a car. I have had cars in the past. I don't have a license though so that was kind of pointless. I only ever really got to drive one of my cars while it was actually mine. It was a Thunderbird. I loved that car. It looked like a junker. The paint job was really crappy, the interior was really nasty looking, and it had a few problems under the hood. But I loved it. I had plans for it. I was going to have it painted, have it detailed, and fix the few problems it had. It purred. I swear when I was driving it I couldn't help but think of a big tiger purring away. That was an awesome car. I miss it. :(
Now, you may ask why I had a car when I didn't have a license. I have never been able to convince anyone in my family to let me drive one of their cars long enough to learn to drive. They don't seem to want me to have any sort of independence at all. Angie didn't have that problem. She learned to drive while she was still in foster care, she didn't have to put up with this crap. "Can I drive your car? Please? Please? You know how important it is for me to be able to drive myself. You know you don't want to have to chauffeur me around all over the place. SO, PLEASE?" "No. Why do you need a license when you don't even have a car?" "So that when I get a car I can drive it. I can go buy a car once I get my license." "You can't afford a car, there are taxes and you would have to pay insurance, you can't afford that." "I'll make due. Just please teach me to drive." "No." Then I go out and get a car or 5 because I'm promised that if I get a car someone will teach me, they swear up and down THIS TIME will be different. No, no it isn't any different. I have the car for a few months, the whole time my grandfather sits there and says it isn't drivable as it is and he will fix it, eventually when I give up on expecting him to fix anything on it he starts to try to push me to sell it. He wants me to buy the cars, then sell them to other members of my family for less than I paid. Am I being screwed over a bit? I think so.
So, to recap- I was pushed and pushed to quit school and later to give custody of my daughter to my aunt and held back from one of the most important milestones in a teenager's life (learning to drive) all by my family.
Why didn't I go ahead and get my GED once I got over the whole "My life is down the toilet." blues? I don't know. I got the application, twice now, sent it in, got approved and called around about testing centers only to have my grandparents say "We can't take you to take the test. We can't be sitting there for hours and hours while you just take a test." "You don't have to wait for me. Just drop me off, I'll call you or even someone else after it's over. I would have someone else take me there except for the fact that the tests begin at a certain time and everyone I know is at work or otherwise preoccupied at those times." "No." (ain't that a bitch?) Don't get me wrong, I didn't just give up because of one "No", not on anything. I tried and tried. I agrued and debated and pleaded and begged and bribed and everything else I could think of. No go.
I stopped talking to my family once I moved out. I think that the whole time I had my apartment I only came over here like 5 times and that was mostly to get things I had left behind. I don't dislike my grandparents, I love them quite a bit, it's just that they really aren't the least bit supportive of anything I want to do.
My grandpa said that there was no need for me to drive or go to school or live on my own. That he would take care of me and put a roof over my head and feed me until I got married. GEE FRICKIN WHIZ. So, I'm to be taken care of until I catch myself a hubby. That's a little old fashioned isn't it? I mean, "What if I don't want to get married? What if no one wants to get married to me?" "Then we'll just take care of you for the rest of your life." Ok, let me get this straight. I'm to stay here, do not ever become my own person, rely on you completely until I find some guy to take over controliing my life? Ummmm...No. I don't think so.
I want my own life. I want a job. I want a career. I want a car. I want my own house. I want control over MY life. I don't particularly want to get married. I mean if I fall in love and want to spend the rest of my life with some guy then yeah, hey let's get hitched. But it's not anywhere on my To Do list.
Admittedly there hasn't been as much controlling since I moved back in here. I am not really around the house much of the time and have other ways to get to most of the places I need to go. I also haven't spoken to my grandparents about any plans I have for the future. Although, every time they meet a guy I've been dating my grandmother gets this look on her face.. how to describe it...You can tell she's thinking about marriage, she looks so excited like "Oh YAY! Maybe this time..." Whatever. She got all excited every time Cliff called. She got excited about David until she got to know him. She gets excited about Scott even though she knows we are just friends.
I have put off alot of my plans lately. I need to set up an appointment to fill out some demographics sheet before I can take the GED test. I need to renew my driving permit. I need to save up some money to take some driving lessons. (OMG they are like $150 for two hours and that's the cheapest place I found) I need to set up another appoinment for Voc. Rehab. Every other appointment I set up with them I had to miss since I couldn't get anyone to take me there. Like I've been saying, my family doesn't really seem to care about my future in the least. What really irks me thoguh is they will say things like "You could probably go to college, so and so went, and they have a good job. You could do that too." Then when I start making plans or letting them in on my plans it's "You don't need to go to school. So and so went and they dropped out after a few months and have all these loans to pay back now. That could happen to you too. Why do you need college?" ANd then there's "You should learn to drive. You don't want to be 60 years old and still have to rely on other people to even get to the store." "Teach me to drive?" "Nope."
I need to keep reminding myself about these things. I need to get mad about these things. If I don't get mad about it I won't do anything about it, and I really do need to do SOMETHING.
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