Update

I was doing this search on the internet, just for the heck of it, looking for that art institute through the mail thingie where they send you a brochure and you draw a cartoon and they say whether or not they think you're any good. I couldn't remember the name of the place (migraine) so I just picked obvious words. What showed up first was the Kansas City Art Institute (KCAI) and I was curious so I entered my info thinking they might send me some little card thingie or an email. They sent me this packet. I read it. I want to go. I so want to get to experience that, learning about all the things I want to try and do. They have classes in fabric dying and weaving and of course sculpture and ceramics and glass and painting and mixed media (which I personally don't understand at this point but so want to try). I want to try everything they had listed. Not "just about" - EVERYTHING. I don't know if I can though. I don't know how I'd pay for it, if I'd get in, how I'd get to class or - the most important- would I be able to go to class ? With the migraines and the fibromyalgia and everything that involves I don't know if I could make it to class enough to not get kicked out. I really do want to learn about all those things though. So much so that I'm coming up with a plan. An actual plan. A plan of attack if you will. I am going to force myself into a schedule and a balanced diet and do whatever I can to get the pain at least somewhat under control. I bought an organizer earlier this week because I can never find addresses and keep forgetting appointments. I'm going to keep all that stuff in there- appointments, deadlines, phone numbers, diet tips, medicine schedule, anything and everything I can think of that will help me stick to this. I need to do this anyway, not just for some school that I might not get into, for myself, so maybe I can actually leave the house more often.
I've tried so many things to get the pain under control and several times I thought I finally had it, of course that was during a good season and once a bad season hit I was a goner- but I'm not going for complete control, just a handle on it. Just enough to function in the real world.
I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of not doing anything I'm tired of .. Well... This life I'm leading, not that I want it to end, I want it to change. I've wanted that for a long time. I would love to just drop everything and move off to someplace I've never been and start a life there, I can't though. No job, no money , no car, and too much pain.